There exists an unseen weight that affects many people although it remains unnoticed there is an unspoken expectation to minimise oneself so that others will not feel uneasy. This pressure manifests in a variety of ways like lowering our voices, not expressing our true opinions, suppressing our personalities and being smaller than we truly are. This is due to learning through experiences or perhaps by way of circumstances that felt like if fully expressing oneself is dangerous. This learning typically occurs after receiving feedback like “You’re too emotional”, ” You’re too sensitive”, “You’re too outspoken”, “You’re too different” and many You’re too. As such, we adapted, we learned to observe areas before entering them and trying to gauge areas before making a speech, we learned to laugh quietly and we learned to dream smaller and show less of ourselves.
We learned to be acceptable however we also distanced ourselves from our true selves. Many people are living in versions of themselves that were created based on requirements to live and survive and not being themselves. These versions were created from expectations, society, family dynamics, not wanting to be rejected or an internal longing to connect with others.
The Cost of Shrinking
You many not realise how self shrinking occurs since there isn’t really a point at which you say to yourself “I am stopping being me.” Rather, you experience gradual changes in yourself over time by hesitating to express your viewpoint, laughing off experiences that have affected you, restricting or preventing yourself from pursuing something that absolutely inspires you due to fears about what others will think, lowering the visibility of being intelligent, faithful, passionate and creative. As a result, eventually you will find out that living a portion of your real self is safe but not complete. On some surface levels you may look fine. You may actually use many definitions of success. But in your heart of hearts there resides a soft, persistent, deep pain that is asking “Who would you be without conforming to everyone else?”
Why Standing Tall Feels So Hard
It can seem hard to stand tall as who you are. It can even be a little scary. When you start being more authentic, you instantly become aware of an important truth and that is not everyone is going to feel more comfortable with how you are showing up to them. To some degree or another, there will be people that were content with the quieter you, people that were happy to interact with the agreeable you and even were people that were happy to use the previous you that never issued a challenge to them.
When you begin to stand in your truth, there is a good chance that the dynamics around you will change. Some of your relationships may feel uncomfortable. The people that do not feel comfortable with who you have become may misunderstand you. However, that uncomfortableness does not mean that there is something wrong with what you are doing, it simply means that you are now standing in your power and no longer shrinking to make others comfortable. Additionally, many times growth will appear as disruption before it will become peace.
Relearning Yourself
To stand firm in your own identity, you may first have to ‘rediscover’ yourself. You might find yourself asking questions you’ve not asked in many years, such as, ‘What do I truly believe?’, ‘What makes me feel really alive?’, ‘What kind of life do I want for myself?’ and ‘What parts of myself have I kept hidden?’. Answering these types of questions might take time, especially if you have spent majority of your life adapting to other people’s needs. The journey of discovering yourself can be the most honest type of healing you will ever go through it is slow and a courageous act of returning to yourself.
You Do Not Need Permission
One of life’s most profound insights is that you do not have to ask anyone permission to be your true self. You do not need someone’s permission to set boundaries. You do not need anyone’s permission to pursue your passions. You do not need anyone’s permission to to think differently, to speak your truth or to take action with purpose. Although society may tell you that your authenticity must be negotiated based on other people’s comfort levels, your existence is not up for negotiation. You are never meant to live your life apologising for the space that you take up.
Standing Tall Does Not Mean Standing Alone
In standing tall with ourselves, we are not being arrogant or disregarding those around us we are simply being able to be true to ourselves. To recognise our worth without devaluing who we are, speaking kindly but also honestly. To be able to be around those who do not require you to become less than who you are in order for you to be accepted by them and who will celebrate your growth and not want you to make your light dimmer, as they are willing to be there next to your light.
The Courage to be Seen
One of the greatest difficulties in standing tall is allowing ourselves the freedom to truly be seen. Not the way we are shown and the persona we may have created, the way we want others to see us or the way we wish to portray ourselves to the world are only one aspect of who we really are. It may feel incredibly vulnerable to let others truly see who we are and our true personalities; however it is an amazingly freeing experience when we stop acting and start being honest. When we stop pretending, we begin to recognise a very important fact which is we no longer carry the burden of pretending. We begin to breathe easier, move easier, experience trust in ourselves and finally create a life for ourselves.
A Gentle Reminder
It’s going to take time to learn how to walk tall after shrinking yourself down for so long just to survive; there will be many tiny steps along the way before you are fully able to reconnect with the person you really were born to be. Every tiny step you take toward your authentic self makes a difference; every honest expressed feeling, every firm boundary and every time you choose truth regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you.
You have the right to expand into who you are really are.
You have the right to take up space.
And most importantly, you have the right to stand confidently as yourself without apologising for standing up for yourself.
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