There is a kind of grief that does not look like grief because the individuals are able to work or function well even though they are grieving at work. You may not miss any work or have any difficulty functioning outside the office. You may wear bright red lipstick, have clean clothes or shoes that have no scuffs. You may have an earlier bedtime and wake up at least ten minutes early to respond to emails. You are able to lead staff meetings, show up to church, laugh at jokes and send out invitations to friends inviting them for dinner. However, you will go home to a place where you feel completely empty and alone. You are able to accomplish your daily tasks but the feeling of loss is very much present. When you wake up in the morning the first thing you do is brush your teeth, check your emails prior to getting out of bed, you may respond to people’s messages, you may have finished your projects on time. You are capable of being dependable, you are able to be productive and you have the ability to be present however you are not capable of being okay. The only difference in your experience of losing someone is how well you are able to maintain some level of functioning while grieving. Therefore, because most people perceive you as functioning well no one will think about how you are doing. That is a very lonely feeling.
High Functioning Grief
High functioning grief refers to continuing with everyday life after experiencing loss. An example is of losing a loved one, something you felt was taken away from you, experiencing a loss due to some form of betrayal or ending of a friendship. When exhibiting high functioning grief you may not look like you are grieving but you are compartmentalising your sadness and saying to yourself I will deal with it later, keeping busy and outperforming. Because of the ability to stay busy and over perform while experiencing high functioning grief people have told you that you are a strong person and that you are handling it very well. However, strength isn’t the same as healing. Sometimes strength is just survival in disguise.
The Hidden symptoms
Just because you get things done does not mean that your hidden grief has gone away. It will show itself in ways you do not expect like numbness of your emotions, frustrations about small issues, being tired and needing to have some sleep, difficulty concentrating due to being in a fog, having random episodes of sadness, physical issues like headaches or feeling sick, feeling as though you have lost all joy, you may find yourself staring at your phone more than usual, you may stay away from certain songs, you may work long hours to not have to think about what you are going through, you will not break you will just slowly come apart and because no one can see you coming apart you will begin to doubt and question yourself. You may think that maybe I am overstating this and that there are many other people who are doing worse than you are and at least I am functioning. But functioning is not feeling.
Why do we continue functioning after a loss?
Sometimes, it’s simply because there are things that need to be done such as paying bills, children relying on us and responsibilities don’t simply pause because we lost someone we love. At other times it is simply because this is how we were raised that is growing up in a culture where grief was a private matter. In many homes and cultures that place high value on resilience, grief is kept private. The crying occurs at the funeral but then the grieving person gets on with their life. As a result, the grieving individual has learned to be the one that people can count on, the person who maintains their composure and the person who keeps pushing forward. But the body does not catch up to all this and it takes the body longer than this to move beyond the loss. The heart will not conform to society’s timelines for grieving.
The Danger of grief that has not been processed
When there has been a loss, it is common for someone not to have properly expressed their grief. This can be extremely detrimental as it does not simply disappear, it continues to linger and either builds up or becomes manifested in another way such as anxiety or depression. In addition to the preceding reactions unresolved grief can also become a fear of abandonment in personal relationships. Additionally, experiencing emotional withdrawal is another reaction that may develop as a result of not allowing oneself to cry, or express their feelings that is related to the given loss. If you may don’t allow yourself to break down in a healthy manner you may experience some type of physical breakdown as a result of not grieving properly such as burnout, emotional shutdown, spontaneous tears that cannot be explained and so on. It is essential that any form of unresolved grief is eventually expressed either through the entire event at one time, dramatically or at least in a truthful context.
How healing looks like?
Healing from high functioning grief does not necessarily require you to quit your job, it may require you take time away from everything to allow yourself to grieve. Examples of how you might heal from high functioning grief are admitting to yourself that you are not okay, scheduling time for grief rather than always distracting yourself from grieving, speaking to a therapist or trusted friend without minimising your grief, writing down your losses like what and who you lost, allowing yourself to cry without labelling it as a weakness and reducing the pressure to be the strong one all the time.
You do NOT have to break down in front of everyone to justify your grief. You do NOT have to earn your rest by breaking down completely. You can grieve even if you are still a high performer.
Leave a Reply